Elizabeth and the Platinum Dress
by Prince Fire and Music
Summary: Shy Elizabeth is suddenly chosen to be the heroine in a fairy's latest and craziest fairy tale. With an idiotic quarterback, an evil cosmetics salesman, a persuasive hair dryer, and a singing jellybean, can Elizabeth change her fate before it's too late?
1. In which I take money from a child

**Well, well, well dear readers I present to you some even crazier than any story I have ever tried. My other stories will come, but while I have writer's block I'll be working on this. The sheer hilarity of this story should keep me interested forever. Love ya all and remember to review!**

I would have never guessed that day, that boring Monday the seventeenth of April, would turn my life into the raging twisted mess of all things maddening that it has become. It had only been the day before, that glorious, ordinary Sunday, in which Alan Larkin had spoken to me. He hadn't said much, only that he liked the book I was reading and how was I enjoying it? Of course I said I like it very much and he smiled his beautiful, trumpet-blowing, angel-choir-singing, praise-the-Lord smile, which, naturally, sent me melting into my seat with an overpowering sense of accomplishment for having impressed Alan by enjoying a book. Sometimes he tries to talk to me, out of charity of course, but I can't answer him very well, which is a shame because Alan is one of the rare people who actually do talk to me. Everyone else just ignores me.

My name is Elizabeth Earling and I am sixteen years old. Well…almost sixteen, but my birthday is only a month away so it's basically like being sixteen except it's not. Which basically makes no sense.

Let me try this again.

My name is Elizabeth Earling and I am _almost_ sixteen. There. Oh! I'm also in the eleventh grade! I know, I'm quite young to be in eleventh grade, but Mom and Dad thought I was ready at an early age to begin school. This brings me to my parents.

Mom is a fashion designer, which is strange because I have absolutely no concept of fashion. Or interest. Dad is, well, gone.

Okay before you start the sympathy speech, I didn't say he was dead, just…gone. Neither Mother nor I know where he is. One day, about a year ago, he got an urgent call from someone he didn't know, crying for help. Dad owns a nursing home company and so he thought one of his patients was calling for assistance and accidentally dialed his number instead of the nurse's. He never came back. I don't talk about it much: one because it makes me sad and two because I don't know what to say. I know about as much as anyone else. Dad is gone. Maybe dead. Maybe Kidnapped. Maybe…something else, who knows. Anyway the point is he isn't around.

Mom probably took it worse than I did. She's never been very confident and always has to have someone around to balance her out. Recently this guy at work has been flirting with her and she's not sure how to take it. He's a cosmetics salesman, but it's obvious he's more interested in the people he's selling them to than the actual cosmetics.

Anyway back to me. Er, that sounded self-centered, didn't it? Let's try this one more time. You can see I'm not really used to narrating my life.

Anyway, I'd like to talk a bit more about myself now that I've grounded the basis for which you are acquainted with my parents on…er about…er something.

Alright, just never mind, if I screw up, ignore me, okay? This is getting obnoxious.

Anyway, I'm a pretty ordinary high school student. Sort of. Well for the most part. Alright I confess, I'm a bit of a nerd. I wear big bulky glasses, and I have rebellious brown hair that's too curly for its own good, and my eyes are this grayish blue blah color, and they're not exciting or pretty at all, and my school uniform is always tucked in just so, and my idea of an ideal afternoon is spending time in the library or with the Mathletes. One because I enjoy reading and Math and two because Alan Larkin also loves to go to the library and he happens to be the captain of the Mathlete team at my school. _Drool_…

Alright I bet you're wondering who he is because I haven't told you and I don't know what to say. He's this really awesome, super sweet, ultra gorgeous guy at my school. Well maybe not ultra gorgeous, I mean he isn't one of those guys that are _too_ good looking, like the Hollywood guys. He has this really nice, sincere look about him that make his features gentle and reassuring. He's just wonderful. He's also the Captain of the swim team and he's the Co-Captain of the track team and he's a really good piano player. So basically he's perfect.

And I'm not.

But that's probably not interesting you because you don't know him, unless you're one of those girls like me who drool over imaginary guys. Well actually I don't. Just over Alan. Who's so perfect he might as well be imaginary. Which he isn't. Duh.

Anyway I'm getting myself tongue-tied, I need to get on with the story.

So basically this is what happened. It's Monday and I'm walking home from school because it's over for the day, right? Well you wouldn't know, what am I asking you for? Anyway. I _am_ walking home, like I said. Well actually, that's wrong, too. I was going to the library, partially to return _Emma_, which I read and loved, and partially to see if I could sneak a peek at Alan if he happened to be there. Which he wasn't. Go figure.

But anyway I dropped off the book and said hi to this girl named Allison, who is sometimes nice to me. She waved and looked away, probably embarrassed that she had acknowledged my existence. I headed back out the door and down the street that connects into the other street that connects into mine. The town I live in isn't very big so walking from the library to my house is like a breeze in the park. Sort of.

Well anyway, I stopped into the local pharmacy to get some aspirin for my Mom. As I reached into my wallet I realized that I didn't have enough change, which is nerve-racking because Jeff, the guy who owns and runs the place, isn't the sort of person you want waiting on you. He's really big and sullen looking and can't say two words to you without sounding like you killed his father and he wants revenge.

So there I was, stuck at the counter with Jeff, half praying Jeff wouldn't kill me and half praying change would magically appear in my pocket, when suddenly a small hand carrying coins clasped mine, dropping the contents onto my palm as it did so. I looked up to the owner and saw…

No one.

I looked _down_ to see a small little girl dressed in ragged clothing smiling up at me. My heart went out to her immediately.

"Here," she said in the cutest little voice you have ever heard in your life, "take it."

I felt like going home and asking Mom "Can we keep her?" What a dear sweet child she was! But her clothing! She couldn't possibly have money to waste on a stranger!

I put the coins back into her hands, smiling as I did so. "That's so sweet of you, but I think you need this more than I do."

The girl cocked her head to the side and her smile turned ever so impish. "No, no, I want you to have this." She dumped the coins back into my hands.

"Look, can you hand over the money already? Seriously, I don't have all day for you to rehearse your stupid love-scene," Jeff said irritably.

I grimaced at his repulsive choice of words, but the girl looked vehement, almost wild with indignation.

"You," she said sharply, pointing her finger at her, "are a very rude man!"

Well that was obvious. But what happened wasn't. I heard an explosion and suddenly Jeff was on the floor screaming and I was dropping the change on the floor and running outside with the girl.

"What just happened?" I said as soon as I could catch my breath. "Is he okay? What happened to him? What was that sound?"

The girl's indignation still held. "He was rude. So I punished him."

I blinked and stared at her, incredulous. "What?"

She turned to me angrily. "I punished him! He deserved it! All you were doing was trying to pay for that bottle of whatever it was you were getting. Men today…" She turned away again, glaring back at the store.

I continued to stare in surprise. Suddenly her girlish features didn't seem very girly anymore. Her flushed cheeks and self-righteously turned-up nose had an almost otherworldly quality to them. Suddenly she didn't look quite human.

She turned back to me again, her expression serene and demure as it had once been. "I'm sorry, but people like that make me very upset. I try to control my emotions, but every now and then I just snap."

I nodded stupidly.

"Anyway, I've been watching you."

Eh?

Her smile was radiant now, her features angelic. She took my hands in hers and stared up into my eyes with overwhelming joy. "I never thought I'd find the right person for the right story, but then you showed up and you're just perfect!"

This was news.

"It's such a shame about your father. Your mother will probably have to remarry again and your Stepfather will be…oh, no that's what happened to Cinderella. Or was it the Stepmother? Yes, I remember her. Boy, was she ever something."

My brain ached from the confusion. Who or _what_ was this person? And what did she know about my father?

"Well, still I bet if she remarried him it would it a little zest or something. Maybe a conceivable plot-twist. Oh, but how could I work that out? Gregory is his _son_! That will never work! Unless…" her face became impish again. "_Unless_...I went _there_! Oh, how scandalous! Oh, the dilemma!" She turned to me and stopped smiling. "Why are you staring at me in that ridiculous manner?"

My eyes were probably bulging out of their sockets by now. She had to be mad! I blinked and shook my head confusedly.

The smile returned. "Goodness, me, I'm sorry. All of this mumble-jumble has probably gotten you a bit baffled."

I nodded.

"I am the Fairy Belinda and you are going to be the heroine in my next fairy tale!"


	2. In which I am doomed to a horrible fate

**I actually wrote a second chapter! Aren't you all so proud of me? Tell me how you like this one and how you're liking Elizabeth. And for the four of you who reviewed, you are angels! Especially four reveiws in one day, that's quite pleasing. Especially for a new story.**

I think I accidentally laughed because the next thing I realized was that she was staring at me with this dangerous fire in her

I think I accidentally laughed because the next thing I realized was that she was staring at me with this dangerous fire in her eyes and I felt like a roasted marshmallow after it gets all black and charred and yucky. It wasn't pleasant.

"Sorry, you were saying?" I piped out.

Belinda continued to glare at me and began after a moment in which I am absolutely positive she was envisioning slicing off my limbs one by one. "I am the fairy Belinda and I would like _you_, Elizabeth Earling, to be the star of my new fairy tale. Understand?"

I nodded, pretending I knew what she was talking about.

She heaved out an irritated sigh. "You don't believe me, do you?"

I nodded.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

I shrugged.

She rolled her eyes and took out a stick of chalk. If she didn't act like a deranged psychopath I would have actually thought this was cute. She probably thought the chalk was a wand.

She did and the moment it was out she started waving it around, finally pointing it at a garbage can. As expected, nothing happened.

"Worthless piece of junk," she muttered hatefully. "Work, you stupid piece of crap!"

She flung the piece of chalk in the direction of the trashcan. Again nothing happened.

"Stupid old thing. It never works when I-"

There was an explosion from behind and all at once I saw the trashcan sailing across the lawn and into Mr. Galbert's house. There was a scream, language that should never again be uttered, and a mixture of yelling and wailing so hideous it nearly made a fire-siren sound like singing.

"Do you believe me now?" she said after we got far enough from the scene of the crime.

I nodded, desperately praying she wasn't going to do something like that again.

"Good. Now here's what I have planned out for you. Yesterday, while I was out buying groceries at that old market across from Broadstreet, I happened upon a very charming older man. And before you ask, yes, fairies do buy groceries. We have to eat same as everyone else. If you've ever tried magic food you know it's definitely not something you want to have twice."

Why _of course_ I've had magic food! Hasn't _everyone_? Seriously, is she for real? Well, actually that's probably not a bad question to be asking. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist or something. But that exploding trashcan certainly looked real,

"Anyway, I was opening the trunk of my car when he stopped next to me and said 'Here, ma'am, let me-" oh, that was the other thing, I was an old woman yesterday. You see I was looking for a nice gentleman to escort me across the street or something fool-proof to let me know he was the perfect Prince Charming to play opposite of you-,"

"Prince Charming?" I squeaked.

Belinda's faced contorted with anger at my interruption but subsided a moment later to the coldness she held before. "Yes, darling. Everyone knows that a Fairytale must contain a Prince Charming."

Well, _sorry_.

"But anyway this man helped me put all the groceries in my car and then I asked him if he knew where I could find any single, handsome, athletic, young, and charming boys around town."

Handsome and charming? Did I know anyone like that? _Dun dun dun duuun, Super-Alan to the rescue!_

"And he gave me this picture of his son and I swear he was just the most gorgeous guy I'd ever seen in four-hundred years. Well, no, that's not really true, but at least two hundred years! Well, I mean that might be an overstatement, too, but he was just fabulously gorgeous."

_And the winner is…(drum-roll) Alan Larkin! Congratulations you are Elizabeth's Prince Charming!_

"_I'd like to thank my parents, my best friend Rob, and the Mathlete team at school for this honor, but most of all I want to thank you Elizabeth and I want to tell you that ever since the first day I met you I fell instantly in love with your ugly brown hair and your stupid looking glasses and your inability to express your feelings to people!" Alan is currently coming down the stage towards me in this gorgeous white tux._

"…and the next thing I know that very same man is walking me across the street and the _muscles_ on that guy! What an Adonis!"

"_Oh, Alan, I knew you'd feel the same way! You're just too sensitive and too caring to not notice how desperately in love with you I am and the beauty I possess on the inside rather than the out. I knew you'd be able to see through my wall of shyness!"_

"…and I asked him what he thought about being my Prince Charming and he said sure. Oh, Elizabeth, you should have seen him!"

"_Oh, Elizabeth, we'll be so happy together! We'll live in a small brick house in the country and I'll build a nice big fireplace and each night we'll snuggle up by the fireplace to-"_

"_Elizabeth_!" Belinda shrieked.

"What?!" I said, waking out of my dream with the sensation that I was still in one.

"Were you even listening?!" she looked absolutely furious.

"Uh!" Oh, boy.

"Oh, never mind," she growled. "Just remember to be there at eight o'clock tonight."

"Where?" I asked innocently.

"Gregory's house of course!"

"Gregory?"

Belinda stamped her foot in rage. "For crying out loud have you been paying any attention at all? Gregory Mendelson, your Prince Charming!"

I think my jaw actually fell off when she said that but I must have picked it up or something because I'm wearing it right now.

Anyway what was I talking about? Oh, yes! _Gregory Mendelson, _oh my gosh!

Okay now I'm going to sound arrogant right now but I swear this is absolutely true: Gregory Mendelson is the biggest idiot I have ever known. Even in his good moments when he isn't doing something completely obnoxious (which is about as often as the sky is green) he is still a complete _idiot_. His dad (who is not charming at all like Belinda said, no wonder I was certain it was Alan because his Dad is fantastic) is this really nosy, ambitious _cosmetics_ salesman. I know! What kind of man sells cosmetics except the guys who are more interested in selling themselves to the women who are supposed to be buying the actual product instead? Speaking of which, I almost forgot! Remember how I said that guy was flirting with my mom at work. Well you'll never believe it but it was _him_. Why, in the name of Heaven, does a man like him even exist is a question I'll never be able to answer!

But back to Gregory, I nearly forgot him for a second. Gregory, or Greggie-Poo as the girls at my school like to call him (Isn't that just disgusting? I mean, seriously, how low!) is a major football buff and the star quarterback of our football team. And boy is he buff; you have to give him credit for that. But he isn't buff in an attractive way, he's buff in this sort of stuffed chicken way that almost looks like if he lifts another weight he's going to pop. Yeah, not attractive. I am also almost one hundred percent certain that his dad paid for him to get through high school considering the fact that on the very first day of highschool I had to sit by him in English and he asked me, in a slow but very serious voice, who Shakespeare was. The guy was in _ninth grade_ and he didn't even know who _Shakespeare_ was! But I thought I was going to lose it when he said "Hey, wasn't he the guy who discovered America?"

Anyway Greg is a no. Not even a maybe. Or a Sort of. Or a preferably not. Greg is a "You're going to have to kill me first!"

I didn't have to tell Belinda that. She had already realized the horror stricken look across my face. "Good Heavens child, are you ill?"

"_Gregory Mendelson_?" It came out almost as a gasp.

Belinda frowned. "Oh, don't be a snob. So he isn't the brightest guy on the planet and he did seem a little rehearsed when he helped me across the street, but I'm sure after the wedding you'll learn to love him."

_Wedding?!_

Belinda giggled again in that sugary coated voice that would have sent shivers down the spine of even a serial killer. "Oh, I forgot about that. You're going to have to get married when this story is over to your Prince Charming. But with Gregory's looks I doubt even you could resist marrying him!"

Ohhhhhhh, I don't know about that!

"So, anyway dear, I assume you know where to find his house, correct?"

I couldn't answer. I was still in shock. Marriage? To Gregory Mendelson?

Gregory Mendelson is not one of those guys who can be judged wrongly. He is what he is: a brainless jock. Even if he were to be a little nicer or more sincere he is still brainless, not to mention pompous and spoiled. His dad is probably the biggest money-moocher in the entire country and his mother died in a laundry machine accident. Lesson learned: never, ever put gasoline into a laundry machine. It doesn't make it go faster, it just blows up.

I sat down and put my head in my lap. "Why me, Belinda? Why did you choose me?"

Belinda smiled and patted my head. "You feel badly about yourself, your father is absent, your mother is a disaster waiting to happen, and best of all you're the last girl anyone would ever suspect something completely wonderful happening to! It will be inspirational! You will be the basis of hundreds of movies and thousands of retellings! Parents will name their children after you! I can picture it now! Elizabeth…and the…Platinum…Dress! Yes! Yes, it's brilliant!"

I threw up in my skirt.


End file.
